If I Had Legs I’d Kick You Review

If I Had Legs I’d Kick You is the panic-inducing depiction of motherhood that Nightbitch tried to be. Granted, there are no dogs here, although there is a hamster, not to mention a powerhouse performance from Rose Byrne. Byrne’s filmography is anything but thin in a career spanning film, television, comedy, and drama. She can pretty much do it all, yet Byrne has been somewhat underrated ever since her breakthrough work on Damages almost two decades ago. She just might kick that underappreciated status with a Best Actress Oscar nomination, if there’s any justice.

Of course, there’s rarely justice for long-suffering mothers. Byrne plays Linda, a working mom who feels distant from her young daughter (Delaney Quinn). This is conveyed in more ways than one, as we never see the daughter’s face, excluding one moment. The daughter is a constant presence, whining to her mother in a high-pitched voice. From the opening shot, though, the camera is almost always fixated on Linda’s distressed face. Looking at the film’s IMDb, I’m only just now realizing that the daughter isn’t even given a name.

That’s not the only mystery surrounding Linda’s daughter. She requires a feeding tube, although the precise nature of her illness is vague. It’s clear that Linda is on the verge of a psychological breakdown, however. In addition to the hole in her daughter, Linda must deal with a hole in her bedroom ceiling. The mother and daughter find themselves living in a motel overseen by A$AP Rocky and Ivy Wolk in two funny supporting performances. Linda’s husband is MIA, but you can tell from his voice over the phone that it’s Christian Slater.

When Linda isn’t arguing with contractors, doctors, or a cranky parking attendant, she’s working as a therapist. Some of her patients are an even bigger handful than her daughter. Linda seeks psychological help across the hall from another therapist, played by Conan O’Brien. You’d think a late-night comedian like O’Brien would stick out like a sore thumb, but he’s surprisingly grounded as a no-nonsense shrink trying to remain composed as his patient unravels. Between O’Brien and Byrne, who would guess that he’d be the most reserved person in the room?

Writer/director Mary Bronstein has made a film reminiscent of Jason Reitman’s Tully, which also saw the walls of motherhood and sanity closing in on its protagonist. To a lesser extent, you could also draw parallels to Ari Aster’s Hereditary. If I Had Legs I’d Kick You isn’t a straight-up horror movie like Hereditary. Both ask a disturbing question, however: What if a mother wasn’t meant to be a mother?

There’s no denying that Linda is trying to raise her sickly daughter while putting out a dozen other fires. On the other hand, Linda leaves her daughter unsupervised for long stretches of time, in multiple cases so she can buy wine. It’s especially telling when Linda watches news coverage of a nanny being sentenced to death for murdering a child. Linda casually watches while munching on salad. Despite everything, you do get the sense that Linda loves her daughter. At the same time, that tube in her daughter can feel like a plug, and Linda is tempted to pull it.